I didn’t have weeping over a seven-year-old Valentine’s Day observe on my bingo card for this week – however hey, life can at all times shock you. The sudden journey into soppy nostalgia was prompted by an initially informal, then fiercely impassioned, debate within the workplace. The recent matter on the desk: must you maintain mementos – love letters, playing cards, images, keepsakes – from exes? Or does it forestall you from shifting on? And will clinging onto these totems of the previous be deemed disrespectful to your new companion, notably if the pair of you might be shifting in collectively?
Our water cooler chat chimed with an episode of the latest Black Mirror; entitled “Eulogy”, it follows Phillip (Paul Giamatti) as he mines his reminiscences of a just lately deceased ex-girlfriend for poignant moments that may characteristic in her “immersive” memorial service. Nevertheless it’s no easy process – in a match of pique after their devastating breakup, Phillip all however erased the love of his life from existence, scratching out her face from previous images and redacting each line she ever wrote to him in thick, impenetrable marker.
I had assumed – naively and fully mistakenly, it turned out – that everybody can be on roughly the identical web page with these things. Of course you retain maintain of it, I believed (and ideally with out ruining each merchandise with a Sharpie first). Shoved right into a reminiscence field subsequent to marriage ceremony invitations of mates lengthy since divorced and postcards purchased from forgotten gallery reward outlets, all of it’s destined to quietly accompany you down the years and throughout the numerous flatshares and home strikes.
Nevertheless it rapidly turned obvious that the topic of previous flames was each contentious and divisive. Folks had Sturdy Opinions™ on the matter. One colleague was gearing up for a clear sweep of the earlier romantic incumbent to placate their newest paramour; one other admitted that they’d desire a new companion to “destroy all the pieces”, including: “I might positively really feel jealous in the event that they stored issues for no obvious motive.”
Others argued that it was “good, regular and wholesome” to retain the odd memento right here and there, that it’s extra about cherishing the great reminiscences you’ve had with somebody than being an indicator that you just’re not over them. Chucking out previous love letters is such an alien notion for me, in reality, that the concept had actually by no means crossed my thoughts earlier than. In truth, if a present boyfriend acknowledged that our relationship was contingent on me parting with them, I’d extra possible take into account parting with the boyfriend.
I’m not alone on this sentimentality. One 2024 poll of 2,000 Brits discovered that 35 per cent held onto valuable objects from previous relationships after a breakup. Playing cards and love letters had been the most well-liked objects to retain, adopted by jewelry, tickets from occasions attended collectively and objects of clothes. And this was a behavior with sticking energy: greater than half (55 per cent) of those that admitted to holding objects stated they’d held onto them for over 20 years.
Whereas I’m not fairly on the two-decade level, I’ve some correspondence from 10 years in the past. Nothing is exactly dated, however there are clues: mentions of first Christmases and Valentine’s, particular birthdays and references to lockdowns. Most of them are from my longest-serving ex, who used to hand-make me stunning, humorous playing cards for each event. As I delve deeper and realise I squirrelled away each single one throughout our 5 years collectively, I really feel a surge of gratitude to my youthful self for preserving reasonably than purging the previous. Studying every one leaves me gasping for breath, the phrases reaching a feat of time journey extra spectacular than any Black Mirror-style piece of high-tech make-believe.
One minute we’re about to go away on our first vacation; the following we’re celebrating a yr of dwelling collectively; after which he’s thanking me for making the pandemic bearable. A few of it makes me chuckle out loud – “Your loveliness is just like the housing market: it continues to inflate exponentially with no signal of reversing” – whereas different strains, notably from these early years when neither of us may fairly consider our luck, go away me dazed and smiling. “Loving you is like respiration”; “day by day is ideal now you’re right here”; “assembly you has been the occasion of my life”.
Assembly you has been the occasion of my life. I imply… come on! Will anybody write something even half as insanely romantic to me ever once more??
There are different notes and playing cards right here and there from the ghosts of boyfriends previous (although none fairly so fearless of their uncooked, ample love), prepare and gig tickets too. After which there are the photos, so uncommon on this age of all issues digital that it appears like uncovering a cache of superb jewels because the gloss end catches the sunshine. Most had been taken on Polaroids or in photobooths, all sweat-beaded brows and comedy “props” as we tore ourselves off a dancefloor someplace to pose and pout and pull silly faces.
Right here lies irrefutable proof that, for a quick, shining second, I used to be somebody’s entire world
It’s gratifying to nonetheless have these bodily echoes, ones that don’t should be “backed up” and downloaded from the cloud. There I’m with one ex in a darkish, blurry disposable digicam shot, taken throughout a birthday pub crawl. There I’m with one other one, shamelessly snogging whereas carrying novelty hats at his cousin’s marriage ceremony. I bear in mind the sensation of being so in love that it appeared to reshape actuality, and there’s something virtually transcendent within the bittersweetness of it – the recollected uninteresting ache of heartstrings stretched taut and twanging.
So it’s that I discover myself quietly crying into my morning coffee as I blow the mud off every reminiscence and study it. However they’re not tears of remorse. There are not any lingering “what ifs” to battle with, no earnest pining for “the one which acquired away”. No, it’s holding in my palms tangible proof that, although I won’t at all times really feel “loveable” or stunning or ok, I used to be as soon as adored past all measure by one other human being. Irrefutable proof that, for a quick, shining second, I used to be somebody’s entire world.
I haven’t hung onto all this for “no obvious motive”. The reason being very obvious. It’s the closest I’ll ever come to receiving a Shakespearean sonnet. My solely regrets are the bits I did eliminate: the ceremonial shredding of the letter that meant I used to be positively achieved with my old flame; the combo tape from my vacation romance; the Valentine from my yr 9 crush that lastly satisfied me perhaps I wasn’t destined for everlasting spinsterhood (regardless of the train-track braces and large hair).
The reality is, it’s laborious to recollect the great bits of a relationship after the mud has settled. Far simpler to maintain going over the damage repeatedly, and ultimately marvel why you had been ever collectively in any respect. Mementos is usually a reminder – typically uncomfortable, however typically affirming – that earlier than issues acquired dangerous, they had been good. Earlier than there was heartbreak, there was simply coronary heart, voluntarily plucked out of your chest and gently positioned within the palms of one other with a lot vulnerability, a lot belief, it makes your head spin.
Holding onto mementos isn’t holding onto the previous, and shifting on doesn’t should imply fully forgetting the previous flames who helped kind us. Absolutely disposing of them is the true act of disrespect to all the pieces you as soon as shared?
I prefer to think about the love letters I penned in a earlier life nonetheless on the market someplace, tucked away in shoeboxes and saved on the backside of wardrobes or underneath beds. I prefer to think about them ready patiently to be taken out and pored over each few years. And I prefer to think about their phrases, softened but made much more miraculous by the passage of time, reminding somebody that, for a quick, shining second, they had been somebody’s entire world.
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